2004-09-21 - 12:58 p.m.

So, last night I had no writing project to work on. I have an inkling of an idea, but there isn't really a character or a plot yet, so I can't work too much on it. Did some "free writing", but that just isn't the same. I could, of course, take a break and not work on my writing for a few days, but that is the road to mediocrity, right? Must. Keep. Writing.

I used to hear about this "male PMS" stuff - you know, the idea that men get extra emotional for a couple days out of the month - and always thought it was bullshit until this morning. I was in the shower singing "Say Yes" (by Elliott Smith) which is something I can do because I live alone and I started to cry. I don't mean, I got a little nostalgic or I shed a tear or two, I mean, I started to sob. It's a great song and all, but hardly worth sobbing over! I just felt terrifically lonely. I remember thinking "I had no right to break up with Louise. I did it for shallow reasons and I deserve to be alone for if everyone judged me the way I judged her, then I would be very lonely, indeed".

Point is, I don't need to feel bad about this. My shrink made me read one of these RET/CBT books and it teaches how to find out your hidden assumptions in the way you think about the world which make you feel bad when you don't need to and I remember as I was sobbing in the shower that I was engaging in all kinds of exaggeration and magical thinking in which anyone who rejects someone is doomed to be rejected forever by everyone. Well, it ain't so and even if it were, what is so terrible about being alone?

Normally this kind of thing works wonders, but I followed up this thought with "screw that" because I was actually afraid not to feel like shit. Can you believe that? I was (am?) scared of being happy, or at least I am scared of not being miserable. This probably explains why I broke up with Louise in the first place, but I don't want to read too much into this insight.

Why am I scared of being happy? I think there are a few reasons

Any of the above reasons could make a really interesting topic of future reflection, but even on the merest surface skim they are obviously false assumptions. So, as you can see, I'm a complete whack job letting myself be driven by such stupid illusions.

Speaking of loneliness, I haven't phoned Heather yet, but I did email her and I feel like a complete tard for doing so. For those of you not from Boston, calling oneself a tard is about the same as calling oneself a retard which is Boston-ese for "wicked dumb". Not PC, but whatever. I'd just as soon kill you as bother about your stupid feelings. Is that sensitive enough?

"Ok, Crate," I hear you saying (assuming you care, which I know is a pretty big assumption), "why did emailing Heather make you feel like a 'tard'?" I think it would make sense if you read the email:


I'm sitting here listening to Tom Conlon and thinking that I still owe you a call. Don't worry, I haven't forgotten, I've just been really busy with school and family and writing. I've got homework tonight and class tomorrow but hopefully later this week I'll have a moment to breathe! I miss you. I hate saying that, you know, because I don't like people to know that I have emotions and become attached to people. So, I'm going to hit "send" before I go back and edit that part out, k? I hope I don't sound like a freak.


Let's just say I don't expect to hear back from her anytime soon. Just goes to prove my rule - "never share anything with anyone - ever!" Why do I get so frightened about letting people know that I have feelings? Jeez, it's cuz I'm a guy, moron! Oddly enough, Heather is one of the few people with whom I've shared my utterly incapacitating fear of self-revelation. And oddly enough, it was in the context of a coffee house performance by Tom Conlon. And beyond that Heather is in Texas right now and I was listening to a song this morning about Texas and missing people! Arrrgh! Too many layers of meaning!

Jen sent me a link to pictures from her engagement party. There is an awful, and I'm not exaggerating it's awful, picture of me. I looked at it and I said - "That is not the face I see in the mirror every morning. This guy isn't just offbeat looking, he is ugly." Well, I've had self-image problems but I can say I am objective enough to know that I am not as ugly as that awful picture makes me look. My second thought was "If I really am that ugly it's no surprise I'm all alone". Feh. I actually like the way I look, I just have trouble believing that anyone else would. I can't even have a bad self-image correctly, huh?

If you're thinking I've talked myself into a good mood, you're way off base, though. On the way back from the men's room I had an epiphany. I often have epiphanies on the way back from the men's room. I think going to the men's room here is so full of danger and risk that it becomes a sort of "initiatory experience" and the tribal gods will often bless you with insights and wisdom if you survive. Anyway, as I pointed out recently I tend to get irrationally angry at Siobhan because she has character traits similar to mine and it shows me how I appear to other people. So, I'm guessing that this principle might apply to other people I become irrationally angry at, right? Well, I become very angry at one of the fucks from the finance department and if people see me the way I see him, well, it ain't pretty. It was a sort of "kill me now" moment of enlightenment.

Hope I'm not harshing your mellow or anything. I'm just feeling a little down on myself.

On a happy note, I got a book in the mail yesterday called No Plot? No Problem. It was written by the gentleman who founded NaNoWriMo and it's full of advice and ideas on how to survive NaNoWriMo. It is too bad that it is becoming clear that this year just wont work for me as I am going to be out of town for a week of that time and I'm not sure if I want to take my laptop with me. I may change my mind, though, as it seems like during vacation would be a really good time to work on my novel. On the other hand, getting a laptop through airport security can be really rough. Luckily, I'd be flying out of Logan where there is no security at all, so maybe it wouldn't be so bad.


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