2004-09-22 - 10:49 p.m.

There is no way I can call her. I'm sending an email to her explaining that I am a total freak and that she'll just have to deal with the fact that if I ever express an emotion to her that means I wont be able to talk to her for a few weeks. Hey, there is only so much I can do, right? I'm not Superman. I'm not even a George Castanza. I'm more of one of those henchmen who gets killed by the head villain in a demonstration of how his villainy is so deep that he'll even kill his own henchmen. Yeah, that's the ticket!

For all you voyeurs out there (and who of us on diaryland isn't a voyeur?), here is a copy of the email:


I feel like a real freak because of some of the things I said to you on the phone and in my last email and even though I know it is irrational for me to feel that way, I'm just too self-conscious to talk with you right now. I guess I'll try to get in touch with you in a few weeks when I feel like less of a freak.

I don't think my faith is in danger so much - if you take faith to simply be belief in God. I sure do believe in him, I just don't know if he believes in me anymore. I can't (wont?) explain this right now. I'd like to but it just isn't in me to do so.

Would you pray for me?

I feel pretty selfish burdening you with all of this and I hope you understand that I probably wont be calling anytime soon even though I told you weeks ago that I would because if I do send this email I probably wont even be able to have the thought in my head of you without feeling like the biggest freak in the world. It's not that I don't want to call you, I really do, it's just that there is no way in hell that I can reach for the phone and call. It's just beyond me.

Sorry about this.

Anyway, I really do hope things are going well with you. Hope your knees are feeling better.

Your friend,

Anyway, I did do some writing. I just opened a vein, so to speak, and something pretty good came out.It was red and salty and it's the beginning of a story, an opening scene. I don't know if it really has a plot or anything and I don't totally have a grip on the characters, but there are two women and I have a feeling they'll be doing most of the interaction and this is actually kind of scary as I haven't done a lot of female characters. They usually are minor characters anyway and the thought of having two central characters both be women (well, one of them is a kid actually) is pretty scary for me.

Unless it was a dirty story.

Just joking. I don't think I could write a dirty story about lesbianism. I can barely write about women talking and acting in three-dimensional ways let alone trying to write about them fucking. Anyway, the opening paragraphs certainly don't feel like the opening of a porn story. But I really don't have a plan so who knows where it will go.

I feel kind of bad about leaving the story half written but I feel great about having written something since I finished my last story on the 19th and now it's the 22nd. That means I was sitting on my thumb for two days doing pussy-fuck free writing. Not that there is anything wrong with sitting on your thumb. In fact, it can be quite pleasant if you are willing to put up with a stinky thumb. Oh, wait. I probably shouldn't be telling people things like that, huh? Well, whatever. This is a fairly anonymous arena. Not anonymous, just somewhat anonymous as it requires a bit of work for you to figure out who I am.

Of course, sometimes you get lucky, like when I started discovering my friends' "secret" live journals. For example, I know Heather's live journal. I wont link to it here out of respect for her privacy and also out of fear that if I send all of you pretty things over there that she might check her referrer logs and come back here and that would be awkward. Anyway, people often don't cover there tracks too well and my guess is that I've left a trail of breadcrumbs around somewhere on the internet and if anyone really wanted to, they could find me.

Scary, stuff, huh?

If you walk away from this journal entry knowing just one thing, then please let it either be the fact that the internet is not really anonymous or that if you want to have a beer after a big glass of orange juice, then a Red Hook IPA is a very good choice. It's very important to make informed decisions when mixing beer with fruit juice.

My beer is getting flat and I've got some sorrows to drown, so why don't y'all go to sleep? As for me, I think I'm going to stay up all night having chaste fantasies about folk singers. (sniff)They just really know how to get to me (sniff)(sniff)...


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