2004-10-03 - 10:07 p.m.

So I'm reading Chekhov for class. He is so great. Every time he says "I'm looking for the nukwear wessles" I crack up!

Ok, cheap joke out of the way. Sorry about that, but it had to be done.

I had a pretty good weekend. Not much happened. I got a copy of Magnolia on DVD. I watched it. It made me all teary and junk and made me feel terribly lonely, but what else is new? I saw new things in it, too, which is always a sign of a good movie. Go see it if you haven't.

I was terribly depressed afterwards and thought about going to church but the last time I went there, I didn't interact with a single person and I think I could get the same effect by staying home. Next week I think I might try again. I don't know though.

I had a wonderful conversation with S. Friday night. She keeps thinking I will get bored with her or learn to hate her or something like that and I tell her I don't see how that is possible. She doesn't believe me. I figure maybe if I say it in this public, albeit pseudonymous, forum then maybe she will believe me. And I had a chat with her today which really lifted my spirits. A few days ago I wrote about how I felt like I was waiting for her to disappear but I really do have faith that she will be one of those long term friends and that feeling has made my weekend. I only have one other friend who has lasted more than a couple of years.

Today S. asked me why I bother going to church at all - even as irregularly as I do. I don't really know. I still think it is possible that God might love me even though I can never deserve his love. It is just so hard to believe that God would love me. Heck, it's hard to believe that he would love anyone, but of all the people in the world I can think of a whole bunch a lot more worthy of his love than I. If you've been reading this journal for very long, then you know that I can be pretty angry and even hateful at times - and those are my good points!

This sounds so pathetic, but if you think that then fuck you. I am who I am and if you can't deal with that then maybe you should be reading some celebrity's website where every post is ghost written and cleared by their press agent. And fuck off. Jerk.

Also, I love Chekhov. He's my new "thing" I think.

Also, I think I've got a plot for NaNoWriMo. I'm starting to get psyched for this. Kind of scary, huh?

Reading No Plot? No Problem - to inspire me for NaNoWriMo
Wishing That I had one more day in the weekend
Plotting Like I'd tell you. Then the whole world would know.

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