2004-10-04 - 12:45 p.m.

I'm so fucking irritated. I'm actually in a good mood on a Monday when I don't have time for a proper lunch break and my boss keeps piling more stuff on my "to do" list. This just isn't right. I should be in my typically foul mood. And yet...

Lots of things today have been "slightly off" - the way people were lining up at the sandwich shop, the position of my chair in the conference room, the number of people in the Starbucks where I get my morning coffee - and these sorts of things usually reduce me to a drooling, mouth-breathing idiot, and yet, today they haven't.

I decided to skip breakfast this morning and see what it was like to be hungry. My shrink recommended this a while back and I thought she was full of shit as hunger, almost by definition, is something to be avoided. It is a sign that you aren't getting enough food. And yet, it was oddly pleasing to feel hunger. I normally try not to feel anything at all as usually as soon as I start feeling things it leads to depression and loneliness.

And yet I am half hoping that this trend will disappear and half hoping it will go on forever.

I mean, I'm not sure I could handle being happy. I really don't know how it works. So, somebody, please tell me something depressing - RIGHT NOW. I don't know how to be emotionally stable and I'm too old to learn.

Reading way too much into my emotions this morning.
Wishing that my nervous system would make up its mind - am I fucking depressed or one of those shit-for-brains normal people.

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