2004-11-08 - 11:42 a.m.

You know what? I'm not in a bad mood today. I'm seriously agitated with my co-workers right now, but that's because they are irritating.

So, I have a confession to make. Put on your Spock ears, ok? And I know that a good chunk of you have Spock ears. Call it a gut feeling, but I imagine that I appeal to a "Spock ears owning" crowd.

Got the ears on?

Ok. Now go out and buy this album

I'll wait
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Got it? Good.

I LOVE this album!

Also, I've been living a lie.

As most of you know I've been struggling with this whole "religion" thing. I've been lying to myself about a lot of issues revolving around this. But the fact of the matter is, I do believe all of this junk. I went through some real doubts, but I just can't go on saying I don't believe it. To be honest, I'm not sure I want to believe, but something just feels so true about it all.

For example - I can't do shit for myself. I can't seem to pull myself up by my own bootstraps or take fate by the horns or anything like that. This is exactly what Christianity teaches and it has borne itself out in my experience

Secondly, I find myself just in awe of Jesus. I mean, if I just repeat his name over and over again while I'm sitting at my desk, my heart just warms up and I can't help but smile. It's like one of those crushes you have in 6th grade except Jesus never returns the chocolates I buy him because he thinks we should just be friends. Once again, the teaching of the church says that I should expect this if I am part of the Church (e.g., a believer who has been "saved" by Jesus). My experience confirms this.

Finally, as irritating as they are with their smiling and being happy, I feel an undeniable sense of brotherhood and sisterhood with the people at my church. Don't get me wrong - I get incredibly angry at them and sometimes (as I've written about here before) I even feel genuine rage towards them, but it's more like the rage I feel towards my family when they hurt me than it is like the rage I might feel towards strangers. This, unsurprisingly, is also a teaching of the church - that we should feel brotherhood with The Church. And I do, as much as I despise them, I seem to always love them a little more than I hate them, which is saying quite a bit.

Ugh... I can't stand it, but I have to admit it... I am one of those guys, one of those Jesus-y people. Anyway, I hope you folks can handle that because I've grown very co-dependant on all of you and I wish I could stalk you all - FOREVER!

Don't worry. I'm still 41% evil. Uh... maybe only 39%... we'll see...

Reading High Fidelity by Nick whatshisname
Wishing it was lunch time. I'm sooooo hungry!
Plotting Feh. No plots today. It's Monday...

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