2004-12-31 - 10:16 a.m.

Hello citizens! Tonight's show is really going to be... yup, you guessed it: SOMETHING SPECIAL!

We have some great guests lined up for you and all kinds of fun stuff. But before that, let's take a look at the top 5 trends that are shaping the nation. That's right, our top 5 list tonight is:
Top 5 Trends!

#5 - Buy goofy shit
#4 - Using the internet in some wacky way
#3 - Deviant sex
#2 - Stupid TV shows that no one expected would be successful
and our #1 trend tonight:

Yeah, folks! We stuck it to the man there with our brand of take no prisoners topical comedy! And a round of applause for our band! Yeah, thanks boys. I promise I'll learn your names real soon.

Our first guest is here straight from the Oprah show. He has a book which has been endorsed by Oprah, Madonna, and a bunch of B-List stars hoping to make comebacks by riding on this guys shirttails. Let's have a warm, warm, warm, super warm welcome for Father Baba Fred.

So, Fred. Can I call you Fred? Ok. So, Father Fred, you've got this new religion your peddling, right? Uh, huh. Uh, huh.

Well, it meets all of my expectations. Nothing too challenging there. If there were a god I had to worship, this guy would be it! Huh? Well, then what do I need to do? That's easy enough, I'm pretty good at doing nothing.

But Father F, what do the celebrities think? Right, right. Oprah said that? On the air? Wow! What an endorsement! Ok, ok. I see. And Madonna was being serious?

So, this god of yours just keeps giving and giving and expects nothing in return, huh? I was really getting sick of gods who were into justice or who wanted you to be good or tried to make you holy. Who has time for all that?

And he's being pimped by Oprah and Madonna. It sounds like a winner to me.

Ok. Looks like it's time for a commercial. We'll be right back.

Seriously, folks. It's time to give up and give it up for our next guest. He's a little on the shy side so don't clap too loudly. You might spook him and he'll run back into his cage. Oh. alright, here he comes. What's that he's carrying? Is that a Russian novel? Yes, I believe it's Tolstoy...no, sorry, it's Dostoevsky! Yes! Crime and Punishment! Are you going to read for us? No? You're going to recite spontaneous poetry! That's just wonderful. Look at all of the people who came out to see you. To see YOU! Yes! Don't you love the sound of them clapping? It's like music to my ears. When I can't sleep at night and all of my furniture looks like it exists only to devour me, when I wonder what the thing I dreamt I lost was, when the string of one night stands ends with me in a strange motel wondering why no one ever kills me in my sleep, then I dream of the applause and it settles me into a deep slumber. So, enjoy it while you can.

No, no, no. Don't go back into your cage. We love you. We don't mind the smell. The diapers, they're okay, too. We need to make concessions for our guests, right? Of course. Am I right folks or am I right? Just as I suspected. I'm right.

So, let's hear some of that poetry.

That's just great. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were done.

Wonderful, wonderful! Oh, your still going. Ok. We do have a commercial coming up soon, so maybe we should think of wrapping it up. Well, I don't care if I broke your rhythm. This is TV not some stupid egghead lecture hall. They wouldn't let you perform at a university. Heck, there are laws against you even coming on a university campus without the appropriate gear, handling and permits so don't get snotty with me.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell. Stop crying, please? Think of the audience. Is this how you want them to picture you? No, don't go back into the cage. Don't leave me out here. You're the last guest. We slotted you for the rest of the show. Don't leave me out here alone.

Well, that's just the artist's temperament for you, folks. Now, we can have a grand old time without that little thing. Just forget about him. I know! We'll have questions from the audience. That bit always goes over big. So, folks. Got any questions for me?

I told you a million times I wont answer that sort of question.

You'd have to ask my accountant.

My lawyer says I shouldn't talk about that.

No, I'm not "taking the fifth" I'm just choosing not to answer that question. I have nothing to hide.

Not that I don't sometimes wish I had something to hide. But you've taken it all.

Take my new survey!

Reading Something by Lydia Davis
Wishing I had the day off today like the rest of the country
Plotting that damn story I tried to write last night... and the night before... I'm having trouble with transitions...
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