2005-02-09 - 1:41 p.m.

(Hey, you guys from Blog Explosion? Show us some love and leave a comment. You guys rock!)

Just in case you were worried, I haven't turned normal. I thought I was about to go all "Hi! My name is Richard and I am notable for being able to relate to people as if I was truly a human being." It would have been ugly, but I managed to dodge that bullet.

More to the point, I'm thinking of submitting a humor piece to mcsweeneys.net. They run awesome humor pieces - new stuff all the time. I subscribe to the McSweeney's print journal, but it isn't even in the same league as their website, if you ask me. Which is weird. You would think that they would save the best stuff for print. But maybe it is a taste thing. Maybe the stuff in print is better for The Norms and I, being a mutant, appreciate their online stuff, better.

So, I'm kicking around a lot of ideas.

What's the impetus for all this? Monday night, Patton Dodd, the author of My Faith So Far came to talk to my writer's group about his experiences trying to make a name for himself as a writer. Anyway, you have to read his book. I loved it and found a lot of solace in it. He writes about a spiritual crisis he went through which seems to have left him in a place very similar to where I am.

One of the things he suggested is to just submit a lot of work to online journals and zines, as they are desperate for content. As you accumulate online "by lines" it becomes easier to break into print.

So, I'm going to make the big jump and actually send something I write to a place that will either reject it or publish it. I've never done this before, but I am thinking if I don't do it now, when am I going to do it?

The other thing I want to try is to write a book review for some online journal, but I rarely read book reviews online (except at amazon, and I want to try and get this published at someplace a little more exclusive - where this is an editor who can accept or reject your review) so if anyone knows a good site for book reviews, let me know. I have a book lined up. It hasn't been published yet, but I'm hoping that if my pitch to this hypothetical online journal gets accepted, then I can get a free copy of the book from the publisher. So, lay it on me, baby!

Lastly, I need some advice. I sent Heather an email asking her if she wanted to go to lunch or coffee sometime and she said that would be cool. However, when I asked her about specific times/days, etc... I got this response (pay special attention to the part I italicized (how often do you get to use the word italicized in day-to-day life? I love writing!)):

hahaha ummmmm well it would have to be a late lunch cause tuesday and thursday i dont get out of class til 3:30, and MWF i work 9-5. or maybe coffee one evening or something would be better? i dunno really im open to suggestions. this next 2 weeks is kinda crammed with events, ive got 2 midterms next week and 2 celtics games and im going home next weekend and then theres the issue of valentines day! haha but after that i'm pretty free anytime! so maybe in a week or so?

What's the deal with Valentines Day? Does that mean she has a boyfriend? I talked to my shrink about it and she said that perhaps she doesn't think it would be appropriate for us to have our first date on St. V's day, as that would be too much pressure. Is Madame Shrink right? Or are things doomed from the start? Or is this girl just a nut job and I should run away right now? I mean, all the "hahaha"s and "ummm"s and "im"s and "ive"s without apostrophes kind of make me think this girl is on crack. Or am I just too critical?

Anyway, she's really, really cute. Not that a relationship can survive on cuteness, but she would probably be one of the prettiest girls I've ever dated. Of course, in a very odd turn of events, I almost always date girls who are just out of my league. Louise was the only girl I've ever dated who was not about 10 times hotter than I am. I hate to toot my own horn, but I've dated some really great looking girls in my time.

Which is really, really weird. I mean, there is a reason you don't see pictures of me on my site. In the attractiveness neighborhood, I live a little to the right of troll town. Plus, I am a complete social retard. And I'm not very nice. Oh, and I smell bad a lot of the time. So what do these women see in me?

Which brings me to my next topic - why in the world do I stink all the time? I shower every day. I brush my teeth 1.7 times a day. I wear deodorant. I change my clothing fairly regularly. So why the stench? I think it may be an ancient gypsy curse.

In other news, I heard that my former boss/high school debate coach was fired last year for having an inappropriate relationship with one of his students. On the one hand it is a total shock and on the other hand it is totally expected. He is one of those guys who you look at and think: "He teaches high school? That guy must be a pedophile." But at the same time, I always thought that no one who seems that much like Chester the Molester could possibly actually be a pedophile. I would imagine if he were a pedophile he would do things to hide the fact, right? Instead of cultivating every possible stereotypical feature of a pedophile...

Anyway, I think I may still have his number. Perhaps I should call and demand to know why he never touched me inappropriately. That sort of thing hurts.

The only regret I have is that I didn't ask the friend who told me this whether it was a boy or a girl with whom he was inappropriately relating. On the one hand, I would think it's a girl, because he never seemed to project any interest in women and someone who has no obvious interest in women couldn't possibly be a closet gay pedophile because wouldn't he pretend to have some interest in women if he was trying to hide the fact that he liked little boys? On the other hand, he looked and acted so much like he was into young boys that, well, I think he was into young boys.

Oh, the other Heather, the one who (in a surprise move that anyone who has been reading my journal for more than a month must have seen coming a mile away) broke my heart is going to be in Boston for the next 12 days. This ought to be fun. I promise a full report.

That concludes this episode my f'd up life.


11 comments so far