2005-04-12 - 6:44 a.m.

I really love music. Lately, I've especially loved American Analog Set's Known by Heart because it makes me do "The Moron Dance". "The Moron Dance" makes me look like an amateur plate spinner doing the twist while being chased by Bengali tigers with a taste for human flesh during a bout of constipation. Loads of fun. I'm glad Big Brother hasn't installed cameras in my house yet. (He's due next week.)

So, yesterday was Opening Day and I somehow managed to survive. It was annoying though. Walking down the sidewalk against the flow of thousands of underemployed idiots who all probably beat me up when I was in Junior High School. And then there was all the women squealing in the alley way while I was trying to eliminate bodily waste in peace. Oh, well. There isn't much I can do about it. And I did sort of participate in the festivities by getting my annual Opening Day sausage.

Oh!Oh!Oh! You guys have to check out this story about a legal threat received by the good folks over at Something Awful. It starts off a little slow but gets very funny towards the end. Good stuff!

I saw a banner on dland yesterday which merely said "Yes, I am" to which my only response was "No. No, you most definitely are not." Maybe my shrink is right. Maybe I am contrary. When she suggested that possibility I screamed and screamed "NO!NO!NO!" and stuck my fingers (which I wanted to spell as "fungers" for some reason - isn't that a much nicer word than "fingers"?) in my ears and started singing 19th century British drinking songs at the top of my lungs. But on reflection, she may have had a point. Not that it matters. Either way it's a lot of fun. (No, it isn't.)

I want to use the phrase "eyeball exploding ecstasy" in a sentence but I can't seem to find a context. I may have to manufacture one.

I overheard the phrase "caps on the JC" and thought it must be some new gangsta phrase. Then I realized it was being used by one of our nerdy accountants so that wasn't too likely. In his defense, when I say he is nerdy, I don't mean to imply he is any nerdier than me.

In other local news, on Yahoo search, I'm result number 2 for short women, blonde. That's right! Page one, above the fold! Any moment I will become rich beyond the dreams of avarice! (That means "greed" for you Red Sox fans.)

I don't know why I'm so hard on the Red Sox fans. I guess its just annoying to have all of these people descend on the neighborhood who leave behind piles of trash and make moving around difficult. Most of them breath through their noses and read well enough to comprehend USA Today, so I probably should just leave them alone. Someday a Red Sox fan may even save my life and then I will be forever indebted to him. I'll quit my job and become his servant and we can wander the globe in search of new and exotic beers and then say they are wretched (I'm sorry, "wicked bad") because they don't taste like Budweiser. And we'll have all sorts of comical adventures where we get in to trouble because my new found master isn't able to do simple arithmetic or always confuses the symbol for inches and feet or is terribly confused by the metric system. Yes, that'll be loads of fun.

Anyway, caps on the JC, yo!


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