2004-07-26 - 11:33 a.m.

No word from my muse yet. I think I freaked her out. My advice to you is never tell anyone anything about anything. I suppose that is kind of an ironic thing to say in an online journal, but as Emerson said: consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. I'll keep you updated.

How I Became Such a Freak pt II

Part of the reason I am such a freak is because I simply cannot ask anyone to do anything, even things I suspect they would want to do, without reverting into a drooling, thumb sucking, pants shitting infant. There are a couple of exceptions, but not too many. For example, my significant other went to visit her parents and friends from home back in Lancaster County, PA and she urged me to ask her friends (who I like very much) Paul and Diana if I could go to church with them. My first reaction was "No way. I'd rather get root canal then experience even the slightest risk of rejection", and yet, I like Paul and Diana a lot, so I thought, "What the heck, I'll call. My last trip to the dentist wasn't so bad". I put it off all day because I had no idea what I would say, so I had to actually ask Louise to tell me what to say because I am just that much of a social retard.

So, armed with my little script (and I literally wrote down every word she said, except one which I couldn't imagine coming out of my mouth in that context) I called Paul's cell phone and totally panicked when I got his voice mail. I know, I know, I should have been thrilled, but I panicked.

But, I heard this voice in my ear saying "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again" which was a nice change from the usual "licorice, licorice, rotisserie" which I hear ringing in my ears. So I called back a few minutes later, got his voice mail again and read my little script, except now that I heard it out loud, I needed to make many edits and I ended up re-recording the message three times until I realized I was never going to be happy so I just saved it as it was.

Some good things came of it though. We went to River of Life where Paul is an assistant pastor. We got there an hour early for a pre-service corporate prayer. I was nervous about this because an hour of corporate prayer can be a real snooze-fest. I used to go every week to the "Hour of Prayer" at the church where I am a member, but instead of praying I would focus most of my energy on not falling asleep. Sometimes I would stay awake by listening to the subtextual conversation going on between the people praying. For example, prior to the 2nd gulf war, we would pray a lot about Iraq and people would often use their prayers to voice their political opinions. One left leaning member would pray something like "Father, please bring peace to this region" and one of the right wing, FOX news watching droids would respond "Lord, please guide our leaders to liberate the people of Iraq from the monstrous dictator they live under" and then another leftie would reply "God, teach us to resolve our disputes without violence so we can be a moral exemplar to the world" and so forth. I can't stand when people use Jesus to promote a right wing ideology, but the way that the folks on the left often lower themselves to the occasion sickens me almost as much.

Well, at ROL, they don't just do an hour of spontaneous prayer, but the prayer was directed and interspersed with teaching and even music. We prayed about Psalm 29 and meditated on the power of the voice of the Lord and discussed and prayed about how to be receptive to His voice. One of the aspects we talked about was how by praising God we not only learn to hear his voice but that we also have an impact on the spiritual, angelic world binding demons and liberating the power of angels.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but I've become convinced that there are supernatural forces at work in the universe and not all of them are benevolent. Perhaps my obsession with horror literature and movies springs from a belief that there is something real and horrific that exists in the world. When I was an athiest, I couldn't think of much to be horrified by since everything that existed was the result of natural causes and was therefor natural. If horror is a feeling of repugnance and if everything is natural and causally determined (and therefore necessary), the only grounds for repugnance would be ignorance. And yet, always at the back of my mind was a fascination with the horrific especially as exemplified in films and books about the supernatural.

After the prayer time, we moved into a wonderful worship service and I felt a wonderful sense of freedom from many of the things that have plagued and beset me for many years which further reinforced the teaching we had during our prayer time. The best thing about River of Life is how interactive the worship services are. During the service there is always time for spontaneous prayer, or for a member of the congregation to bring forward a word from the Lord, and for other spiritual gifts to be practiced. My church's services are pretty much a one-way, passive experience.

Important note! If you are ever asked to "roast" someone, don't take it literally. It can cause any number of legal and cleaning issues.

It was a new day because I was no longer held back by all the garbage I had let the world pile upon me. I had stood up and spoken my peace and the world had stopped to listen. I had finally left all the crap I've been carrying around where it belonged, at the cross, and opened myself up to see that I have something, a mission and I have all the power I need to complete it.

Reading Huckleberry Finn
Wishing That it was still Sunday
Plotting a way to get protein

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