2005-02-22 - 5:01 p.m.

[Elizabeth, please sing this to a lo-fi Iron & Wine type tune. Something down beat and maybe a bit droney.]

[Also - would you all please join my Notify List (look to your left). It would make me smile.]

[One last thing before I start. This is my second entry today, so click here if you missed my morning post]

I wonder if I can peek my head out a little bit. Sometimes I bleed to easily, spread myself thin. Too ready to blame circumstance, too quick to offer a retraction. Hiding myself behind so many trees filled with monkeys ready to do mischief. I hide behind the quips and quacks and squeals and misdirection. Words are easy weapons for me to hold yet they all end up as useless and limp and a rushed "goodbye" as a lame "farewell" and a hurried hand shake with a shove out the door.

She's gone back to Texas and I miss her already.

But I've already said too much.

I look at my heart and see something hard, icy, cold. Too ready to laugh and smile. Too slow to mourn with those who mourn. Too worried about what people will think. Too tired to really care for the stranger, to give up the corners of my fields.

Her voice is still in my ears, pushing me forward. Her smile still lingers.

I'm joining a new bible study group that starts on Wednesday. I hope I can be a thorn in their side, speaking the truth in love, even when it's painful, just as Heather has been to me.

Sunday night was my last chance to spend time with her. Heather and Marny and I were going to go to GMC's afternoon service and then hang out for a while before we would go to Park Street's evening service. I was going to get to spend about 5 straight hours with Heather, which would have been just wonderful. However, Marny never showed up. I called her and it turns out I had inadvertently hurt her feelings and we were angry with each other. Heather pointed out that I could not worship in good conscience if Marny and I did not resolve this.

As Fry, from Futurama (home of the maddest of mad science) said, "That dog wont hunt, monsignor".

So I ended-up spending the evening hanging out with Marny rather than with Heather. Sometimes doing the right thing sucks. And I lament that my heart is so hard that I would gladly have spent an extra couple of hours with Heather at the expense of my good conscience.


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